When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
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It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
seems like a niche market
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.