Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
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My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.