Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
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Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?