@DamonHunzeker: Smoke alarms are stupid -- like I'd ever forget to smoke.
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@AngelaEhh: It's that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
@AaronFullerton: Hey cell phone companies, I can't think of a more terrifying selling point than "Unlimited Talk."
@meganamram: I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though