@DamonHunzeker: Smoke alarms are stupid -- like I'd ever forget to smoke.
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@AllieA: My boss just sent me the heart eyes emoji. Since we're clearly being honest with each other I replied with a monkey with a gun to its head.
@moose_chocolate: The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.
@Parkerlawyer: Listening to my husband's gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.