Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
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“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
May your day taste like creamy soup.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.