Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
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The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.