*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
You Might Also Like
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.