*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
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The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Just a friendly reminder!
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide