It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
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Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??