Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
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sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?