[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
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My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”