Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
2022 will be better than 2021
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT