Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
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I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
awkward
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
🤣✨#caturday
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.