Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
You Might Also Like
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
sry
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE