Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
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*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
#Caturday
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.