“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
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Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work