Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
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When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.