Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
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Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
🤔😂😂
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
ibopfufen
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”