Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
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Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.