Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
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When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Finally a use for spoilers…
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I’m so full I could puke a horse