One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
You Might Also Like
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe