Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
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10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.