[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
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I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
live, laugh, laundry.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…