SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
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If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area