[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
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The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.