[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
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Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.