Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
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My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.