Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
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Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
He’s cranky this morning
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
my retirement plan is braless
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.