Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
You Might Also Like
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.