@noog: Snakes are terrifying because they can't trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
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@DanMentos: [showing my 4yo a Slinky] me: look, it’s walking down the stairs kid: what else can it do me: literally nothing
@juliecursively: HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: ... Do you have a charger I can use?
@leyawn: someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying "there's lemons" and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
@joelycett: Flight attendant said I should exercise my legs then all of a sudden I'm 'causing a scene' and 'I didn't mean kickboxing.'