Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
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It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
inventing words: clothing
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.