During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
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RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.