Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
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Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious