@fro_vo: Snap: i'm snap
Crackle: i'm crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i'm pop
@HungoverLawyer: Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don't want to touch it any more than you do.
@Reverend_Scott: [job interview]
What's ur greatest strength?
"I wear too much cologne"
No, I mean-
"A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator"
@NoogsCorner: Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don't smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
@DaddyJew: Me: i'll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
@weinerdog4life: My wife doesn't know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.