Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
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Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Childbirth is so beautiful
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac