Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
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Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Love is in the air fryer.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I gave up going to work for lent.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
The Others (2001)
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”