*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
You Might Also Like
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really