Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
You Might Also Like
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am