@JasonLastname: Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
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@dafloydsta: WIFE: Just face it, it's a lost cause WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
@trumpetcake: Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
@infinityonhi: Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
@MeetingBoy: "A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat." I don't doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.