Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
You Might Also Like
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Just say no
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*