Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
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Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
May have had one breakfast too many
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
bought wrong eggs