Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
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My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time