[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
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My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish