i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
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If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?