My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
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Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Phones down.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready