Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
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Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*