If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
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Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?