*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
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I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Livid.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems