@drwgmawr: Sneezed while doing sign language and accidentally threw up a gang sign. 17 drug lords are chasing me down the street. Send help.
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@Underchilde: Therapist: Do you have any regrets? Me: Well, this one time— Therapist [pinches bridge of nose] Other than buying fat-free salad dressing.
@WalkingOutside: My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
@fro_vo: a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink that's it. that's the punch line