[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
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Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Good point.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog