[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
You Might Also Like
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Tony Hawk, age 6
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation