[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
You Might Also Like
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Yes, this is exactly right
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Yup!
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.