*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
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Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.