@sixfootcandy: *sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
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@TheMichaelRock: People like to make fun of my fanny pack until they need a napkin or a chicken nugget.
@Mellicubed: My fire alarm just went off because I took my shower. Ya, I know I'm hot when I'm naked, but come on now, let's all just calm down.
@caperbc75: *nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup I'll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito? Patrons: HE'S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!
@GrantTanaka: [answers doorbell] me: omg mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh