*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
You Might Also Like
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.